How does he evaluate himself? The biggest secrets of self-esteem. How to appreciate yourself and others? Video. Test. Do you evaluate yourself objectively?

We all know very well that self-esteem plays an important role in our lives. How objectively and, accordingly, correctly we can evaluate ourselves can help us get rid of shortcomings or, on the contrary, become a deterrent on the path to self-development.

To properly evaluate yourself, you need to use the right criteria. The basis on which our self-esteem is formed is as important as choosing the right means of measuring length, volume or weight.

That is why we decided to tell you about typical erroneous criteria for assessing yourself. Check - perhaps the reason for your low or high self-esteem lies in the wrong approach to its formation.

So, what should you not take into account when assessing yourself?

1. Your surroundings

There are two different types of people's dependence on the evaluation of others. One category of people tends to think that their worth depends on the amount of praise they receive from other people. People of another category feel good only when they are in a relationship.

And there are also people who increase their self-esteem by surrounding themselves with people of high social status. They are overly proud of the fact that they have the opportunity to communicate with “important” people. A social calendar scheduled to the minute and an endless list of personal contacts helps them feel valued.

However, basing your self-worth on what others think of you is like chasing a moving target. You cannot control other people, and it is impossible to please everyone. So if your self-esteem is entirely based on how others perceive you, you will never be able to receive enough praise or positive reinforcement to feel good about yourself.

2. Your official position

It is a career that often helps many people feel valued. A person is simply bursting with pride when he says “I am a co-owner of such and such a company” or “I am a lawyer.” However, it is bursting with him not because of what a person does, but because of the position he occupies.

Evaluating yourself by your job position is a big risk. Why? Because health problems, an economic crisis or an unexpected change in the labor market can ruin your career and lead to a personal crisis. Even planned retirement can unexpectedly lower your self-esteem if your sense of self is closely tied to your official position. In the absence of a prestigious career, your self-esteem will no longer be the same.

3. Amount of money

You've probably met a person at least once in your life whose self-esteem directly depended on the amount in his bank account. Sometimes people think that they just can't get the amount they need to feel valuable enough. In a desperate attempt to prove their worth, they create the appearance of wealth by going into debt to buy themselves an expensive car or a luxury home. And then they feel successful.

While it is logical to set a monetary value for goods and services, it is absolutely the wrong approach to determining your worth as a person. The amount of money earned or material assets that you own will never be enough to satisfy your need to feel like a worthy person.

4. Your achievements

Sometimes people want to be famous for their achievements. However, a person who uses this criterion for self-esteem only feels good when he talks about his successes. The danger of this approach to self-esteem is also that failure greatly affects their self-esteem.

Of course, it's normal if your achievements make you feel good, but measuring your self-esteem by such achievements is completely wrong. It's like building a house on a dilapidated foundation. In this case, you will have to be constantly successful so as not to feel like a failure. And this is simply impossible.

5. Your appearance

The numbers on the scales and the ability to attract members of the opposite sex due to your appearance are a typical mistake when assessing yourself. The media pushes into our consciousness the false truth that appearance is perhaps the most important thing on which our success depends. Marketing strategies are often based on our self-doubt, they exploit any flaw - from the first wrinkles to extra pounds.

If nature has blessed you with an attractive appearance, this can serve as an advantage in life. However, remember that beauty does not last forever. And gray hair, wrinkles, hair loss and other signs of aging will primarily be destructive to those whose self-esteem was built on external beauty.

What you base your assessment of yourself on as a person will be a major factor influencing the decisions you make, the thoughts that pop into your head, and how you feel about yourself.

Therefore, remember that using external factors that are beyond your control to build self-esteem is the wrong approach. It is important to know who you really are. This will help you behave in accordance with your personal values, instead of bending to a changing world.

Individual task No. 16 “Do you objectively evaluate yourself?”

(Nekrasov V.P. Sport and character. M., 1986)

Using the given scales (A, B, C) you can not only evaluate some of the traits and features of your character, but also draw up the main directions of your self-education program.

Assignment: for each statement, choose the answer that is closest to you; Sum up the number of points for each scale separately.

Scale A
Statements	Answer options
	Never 0	Sometimes 1	Often 2
1. I want to be like someone
2. I feel confident
3. I realize my mistakes
4. I like to give advice
5. I listen to advice
6. I accept authorities
7. Mentally putting myself in someone else’s shoes
8. I am aware of my weaknesses
9. I recognize my strengths
10. I have a desire to become a better person.
Scale B
Statements	Answer options
	Never 1	Sometimes 2	Often 3
1. Making a decision is difficult
2. Switching attention from one thing to another is associated with severe stress.
3. The future seems uncertain and it's worrying.
4. If they make a remark, I get the feeling that I am being unfair
5. I need to explain a new business to people in detail.
6. I like clear, concise, specific instructions.
7. I find it difficult to take personal initiative.
Scale B
Statements	Answer options
	Never 1	Sometimes 2	Often 3
1. If I am praised, I do not hide the fact that I am pleased.
2. I love being the center of attention.
3. When I am scolded, it causes a sharp protest.
4. I get angry at people who make comments to me.
5. The desire to stand out arises.
6. When people praise you, you want to do everything better.

Decoding the test - Do you evaluate yourself objectively?

Count and remember the sum of points on each scale.

Individual task No. 16 – “Do you objectively evaluate yourself?”

Scale A

If you score 20 points, your assessment is quite objective. But be careful not to develop any overconfidence.

If, having answered “sometimes” to half of the questions and “often” to the rest, you scored 15 points, your high self-esteem is combined with a critical attitude towards yourself.

If the answers “Sometimes” predominate, and you scored 10 points, you are overly critical of yourself.

If you score 9-15 points, you are self-confident and do not want to work on yourself.

If you score less than 5 points, excessive self-criticism becomes a hindrance in your life.

Scale B

If you score 7-9 points, your determination is quite pronounced.

If you have 10-15 points, you have some uncertainty and anxiety.

If the points are more than 15, you are characterized by excessive indecision and uncertainty.

Scale B

If you score 10-12 points, you show egocentrism, a desire to draw the attention of others to yourself, to be the center of attention.

If the result is 13 points or more, egocentrism is expressed to such a significant degree that it is necessary to pay the most serious attention to overcoming it.

20.01.2015

Do you assess yourself adequately?

One of the most favorite, timeless and relevant topics on any continent and for any category of the population, which no one young or old will tire of talking about, is the issue of self-esteem. Psychologists are ready to put in a lot of effort to talk about your self-esteem, and psychotherapists are ready to sign up for a considerable number of sessions to solve this problem.

But let's take it one step at a time: is there a problem at all? If there is, then is it as it appears at first glance? And what is the best way to solve it?

Sometimes, when communicating with some female representatives, I get the impression that inadequate self-esteem is embedded in them as physiologically as a large amount of estrogens, and also anatomically as the absence of an Adam's apple. If you think that things are different with men, then you are mistaken. The only difference in their case is best skill hide the fact how inadequately they sometimes evaluate themselves.

As soon as we talk about self-esteem, almost every one of us immediately thinks of its division into low and high. In a world where actions are divided into good and bad, and in films there is a struggle between good and evil, self-esteem also falls under the brunt of duality. In this article we are not going to break the existing pattern, we just want to shift your attention from considering self-esteem in the “low-high” plane to its adequacy in each specific case.

For most of us, it is completely logical that low self-esteem is bad, and high self-esteem is good. Although, if you think sensibly, then in itself, be it low or high, self-esteem does not carry value until it has nothing to do with adequate reality. Its true meaning is manifested in each specific situation in a specific context.
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At any given time, depending on the situation, self-esteem “normally” can be low or high. It is quite normal that a person cannot be competent in all matters. When faced with something about which he has no idea, an adequate level of self-esteem will naturally be low. Admitting this and virtually giving yourself a low score on the self-esteem scale in situations where you are not competent is absolutely normal.

The main question is how these internal mythical balls correspond to reality and how they affect your life, well-being, activity in action and attitude.

Let's say you consider yourself a bad volleyball player, and this means that your internal self-esteem in volleyball games is low. If you have adequately assessed yourself, and this area of ​​activity is not particularly important to you, then low self-esteem will not play practically any role. But, if volleyball is very important to you, then low self-esteem in this case will affect your internal sense of self. And, as a result, in the first case, for example, you can go play chess, and, in the second, sign up for a volleyball section, find a professional coach, watch all the best matches at night and fall asleep with the ball. And such an assessment is adequate. And such conclusions and further work are effective.

But if you have revealed your incompetence in an area that does not play any role in your life, and you wanted to attack it with all your salivary secretions, yes from the highest bell tower, but at the same time, you continue to suffer intensely due to the low assessment of yourself in this issue, then we congratulate you - the first bell in inadequate self-esteem has just rung.

In such a situation, is it necessary to independently, or with someone else’s help (read the 1st paragraph), determine which category this case should be classified into, and still go to play chess or sign up for a section? This stage is no less difficult than the subsequent ones.

First of all, in this case, you need to find out how significant the chosen area really is for you. Perhaps you tell yourself that this area is not important to you, but in fact, it is difficult for you to accept that all your life you have wanted to become a volleyball player, and now you are simply afraid to admit it to yourself, because you will need to do something to achieve it. your dream. And here there is no other way but to work hard, applying maximum perseverance and strength. But, if this really turns out to be what you want, believe me, the strength will come from somewhere, and the people around you will envy your perseverance.

You will have to work completely differently if you want to be better than someone, and at the same time the field of activity is not important to you, but the specific person who is competing is what matters. In this matter, it is worth understanding why this competition arises, why you need to be cooler, in this area or another. And the main thing here is to correctly understand your motivation and the area in which you want to achieve success and become the best.

If you want to be the best in any area, this is a completely different situation, in which you still have to admit to yourself that it is impossible to be the best in everything and you need to stop wasting energy worrying about your incompetence. Having identified one significant area, it will be possible to direct all efforts to realize oneself in it.

Self-esteem is a subjective parameter, which should be a beacon indicating the direction for development, and not for self-destruction.

The level of adequacy can be assessed by the changes in your life that will occur.

Psychologists say: the biggest problems come from people with low... “raising” self-esteem is incredibly difficult. The reason is the people who were around us in childhood. And they raised us based on the most noble intentions. How do you know whether you rate yourself high or low and bring your self-esteem into line with reality?

Medical psychologist Natalya Navarina advises

Once upon a time, parents and teachers had great hopes for them. They were predicted to have a future as athletes, actors and mathematicians. They were given difficult tasks and always expected more.

True, those around me did not bother to explain that the path to a high goal consists of everyday affairs. That an Olympic medal is preceded by morning exercises, and a novel trilogy is preceded by a school essay. They forgot to warn them how many events would affect the final result. And most importantly, these children felt loved only for the number of brilliant competition victories. And they broke under the weight of the hopes placed on them.

People with low self-esteem have difficulty coping with other people's successes.

At first, the man himself with the soul of a “winner of world competitions” builds Napoleonic plans. But since his tasks are always great, he suffers failure after failure. He is gradually turning into someone who hasn’t built a villa on the ocean, greened the planet, or created a clothing collection. A feeling of helplessness and powerlessness takes root more and more firmly in his soul. He becomes depressed and is afraid to take basic actions.

Such people have a hard time accepting other people's successes. They are consoled only by discussions about widespread cronyism, bribery and the disgraceful attitude towards real talents.

They don't learn anything and don't ask questions for fear of appearing stupid in someone's eyes. They explain their behavior by the fact that the ability to independently turn on washing machine below their dignity.

As before, they are haunted by dreams of universal recognition, but the possibility of another failure frightens them into panic and stops any initiative in the bud. Therefore, they try to solve the problem at the expense of relatives, demanding results worthy of pride from them.

They like to blame those who destroyed them. Thus, one woman spoke with rapture about what a brilliant career as a researcher awaited her in a foreign company if she had not tied in fate with her husband. The fact that she didn't know anyone English word, the narrator was not at all embarrassed.

“What a good girl!” Why self-esteem is going down

These people are brought up in anticipation of a wonderful day when life will reward them as they deserve. But the dogmas he instills are usually quite straightforward: “Study with straight A’s and you’ll get a good salary,” “Don’t be rude and don’t shuffle your feet, otherwise you won’t get married!” Drawing a parallel between personal qualities and the gifts sent by fate, they are not taught a deep and flexible attitude towards reality. In a situation of failure, such people take all the blame on themselves, and they headlong downward.

Why the world doesn't follow the rules

They study well, take care of their appearance, go to courses and gyms. They are executive, listen to adults, teachers and bosses.

They are very competent at work without realizing it at all. It’s convenient to blame any business on them, promising that in three years they will definitely be promoted and the money will be paid at the same time. They are trying to find people who will fit into their rigid concepts and appreciate them “at their true worth.” Sometimes scammers skillfully take advantage of this.

Until mid-life, they believe that if something unpleasant happens, it means they need to work even harder, look better, raise their legs higher and learn another language.

They are surprised when the world does not obey the rules they have learned. They begin to complain, look for logic in the actions of others, ask questions: “Why am I so good and beautiful, and he chose not me, but this rude fat woman?”

When white turned black - how to survive a blow to your pride

In their assessments, such people were raised to heaven and thrown from there into the abyss. They were praised for the same act, but scolded the next day. They were given conflicting information. For example, you have beautiful legs, a thick neck, piggy eyes, and you are the most beautiful girl on earth. Next to them there was not truth and lies, but only the momentary mood of those around them. And they grew up without a core or internal support.

Anxiety is a result of a contradictory attitude towards oneself

They are extremely anxious about themselves. They try to relieve internal tension with endless conversations.

Since they evaluate themselves in two ways, they urgently need support from their “best” side. They brag a lot. They constantly convince everyone, and in fact themselves, of their own necessity. They crave praise, but, unfortunately, are deaf to sincere kind words addressed to them. They interact with criticism much more willingly and easily, attacking the offender, getting scared or making excuses.

On the one hand, they are ambitious and try to compensate for their dissatisfaction with their achievements, on the other hand, they easily abandon their goals at the first defeat.

“Look at others” - endless comparison with others is not good for self-esteem

“Look: Mashenka is younger than you, but she can already read!” - such a pedagogical and educational technique is very popular. And it seems extremely effective. For the time being, the baby is ready to do literally anything to regain the lost favor of his beloved adults.

True, if we managed to look into his inner world, we would not find a separate one there. He exists only in comparison with others, trying to understand whether he is better or worse.

The realization of self-esteem occurs through negativity

In this case, several behavior options are possible.

A person strives for people who are inferior to him in all respects.

He feels calmer with them. Compared to them, he looks smart, handsome and noble. There is a false sacrifice in it, the purpose of which is to make up for one’s own insecurities at the expense of others. He stops growing and developing abilities, content with condescending and patronizing communication with the “weaker” link.

A person who once in childhood did not convince adults of his merits is realized through negativity. He seems to be telling us: “Yes! I am the worst of all! Accept and tolerate me as I am!” He gets into trouble, becomes an alcoholic, and gets involved in major scandals. He finds a solution to the problem, becoming the first among the worst.

He competes always and in everything. Strives for victory in any way, sees everyone in everyone. He needs to defend his opinion, even if no one argues with him, buy the most expensive car, raise the smartest children. Sometimes he likes to humiliate and ridicule his own friends and family. Such a person never feels good enough to stop and enjoy what he has received. For years he has been trying to correct the fact that he is the worst, not realizing that the secret is hidden in his own feelings.

What will help with low self-esteem?

If you set grandiose goals for yourself and helplessly give up before them, break them down into elementary actions. For example, a student complains about the lack of strength to prepare for an exam: he cannot read, memorize and invent. Then he needs to ask himself: “Can I turn on the lamp to start preparing? Can I read the list of questions?” With every positive answer, we regain confidence in our own worth.

It is useful to remember what you have already done well. It is important not just to list the facts, but to see how you looked at the time, to relive your feelings, mood and bodily sensations. This deep recollection of your own success will prepare you to repeat it, but in a new situation.

Work not only on your mental, but also on your physical condition. By making your body stronger, more flexible and more resilient, you will be easier to manage, gain balance and soften sudden changes in self-esteem.

If your self-esteem suffers from other people's statements, always specify your concern. For example, you think that you are considered an ungrateful person. Answer the question: exactly how many people hold this opinion? What are their names? Why do they think this?

Having completed this simple procedure, we discover that the circle of ill-wishers is usually very narrow, and their attitude is determined by certain circumstances.

About the main thing for self-esteem

Sometimes it happens to see people who torment and hate themselves for the fact that they could not succeed. And at this moment you understand that we perceive ourselves using primitive narrow categories: salary, promotion, timely marriage, youthful face. But our life is much deeper, more diverse and more interesting than the framework by which we try to measure and evaluate ourselves.